How We Broke This, Episode 4: Blow Up the Phone, PARKR
COLD OPEN VO: “You are receiving an automated voice call from an inmate at Buzzard Roost White Collar Penal Colony & Pickleball Resort. Please press (1) to agree.”
Sound effect: beep.
Introduction VO: Incompetent. . . Failure. . . Stupidity. . . Stupidity. . . murder. . . murder. . . murder!this is how did you break this.
SFX: Manga Broken Spring.
Guy Raz: I’m Guy Raz, your host. how did you break this. Not to be confused with another podcast by another guy named Guy Raz. how we built this. Welcome to my story journey about business incompetence and failed leaders who didn’t learn from their mistakes. Hear my guest reveal what led to his crushed entrepreneurship. Hopefully they’ll mention a murder or two to increase my gory rating.
VO: Murder. . . murder. . . murder!
Guy: In this episode, we talk to Alistair Giblett—
Alistair Giblet: What am I? . . Chunks of chicken?Givelie down not giveLet me, Man. “Let” sounds like “lay.”
Man: Mr. Gibblie down He is the founder of two failed tech startups, the PARKR app and Blow Phone. He is currently an inmate at the Buzzard Roost White Collar Penal Colony and Pickleball Resort.How are you treated in prison, Mr. Gibb?lie down?
Alistair: That’s brutal, man! Not only will my name be forever associated with the word “penalty,” but the wait times between pickleball games are inhumanly long. There is only one pickleball court here.
Guy: How many deaths did the blowphone cause?
Alistair: Zero. Those people simply passed out for an unnaturally long time.
Man: It’s Drats. There have been no deaths. This is a disappointing review for the podcast. It wasn’t the product’s fault that got you in jail. Instead, it was the seditious conspiracy charge that occurred on January 6, 2021.
Alistair: I didn’t know there was a rebellion going on. I thought I was simply waiting in line for a Capitol tour.
Guy: Didn’t you realize that something nefarious was going on? Especially since that crazy man wearing nothing but the bloody feathers of a freshly skinned bald eagle was trying to get Nancy to leave. When you asked to be filmed licking a pair of Birkenstock boots left under Pelosi’s desk?
Alistair: If they were Skechers, there wouldn’t have been a national outcry.
Guy: Unfortunately, a video of me blowing into my bPhone while videotaping the so-called Birkenstock Boot Licker went viral.
Alistair: I felt so guilty. Understood. On the bright side, it was an unintended free advertisement for Blow Phone. The red model is sold out immediately.
Guy: How did bPhone evolve?
Alistair: Research has revealed that iPhone users have become too lazy towards touchscreen technology. Recognizing that the simple act of blowing is much easier than exerting the enormous energy required to operate a finger or thumb, he developed a patent for a blow screen digitizer as an alternative to touch screen digitizers. I got it. Customers also found blow screens to be much more hygienic to use than touch screens, which are breeding grounds for germs.
Guy: The bPhone quickly rivaled the iPhone. JUST BLOW IT has become the most well-known tagline in the digital device market. Its success was in stark contrast to its first startup, the short-lived PARKR app.
Alistair: Is it short-lived? What is time? Really• The average lifespan of a cricket is 90 days. Three months is not a short time for cricket. It’s a lifetime.
Guy: Did PARKR last 90 days?
Alistair: Forever. yes.
Man: Please explain the app.
Alistair: People downloaded PARKR for parallel parking assistance. Did you know that most people are afraid of parallel parking?
GUY: You discovered a consumer need and made it happen. Business 101.
Alistair: Yes. We launched in San Francisco.
Guy: Why did PARKR fail?
Alistair: It took us a while to respond because so few people applied for the Parker job.
Guy: Probably due to widespread parallelism—
Alistair: By the time the rare PARKR parking customer actually arrived to assist with parallel parking, the customer’s car was either out of gas or had been ticketed by the police for obstructing traffic. Our last customer was a Canadian named Garrett Camp. He had already been waiting for an hour for the parking lot to arrive, and he thought, “All I really need to do is get a car and a driver to pick me up?” Eureka! Uber was born. Goodbye, PARKR app.
Guy: Still, you bounced back with bPhone. In other words, new york times We published an exposé about a bPhone user who was exhaling so much while using his cell phone that he hyperventilated and passed out. The story mainly focused on Wordle players dropping like flies.
Alistair: Hey, the Times owns Wordle. A classic case of biased journalism.
Guy: But there’s no denying that Wordle needs to exhale excessively via bPhone. The players passed out while solving the daily word puzzle and suffered concussions after falling off the toilet seat they were sitting on.
Alistair: The prosecution could not prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Our lawyer argued that the free fall from the porcelain perch was likely caused by excessive strain rather than breathing. He was acquitted.
Guy: But bPhone sales have leveled off.
Alistair: Hey Guy, I have to hang up. A spot finally became available on the pickleball court. My partner is the CEO of Creepo Crypto. I might invest my life savings in his cryptocurrency. You will know when you find a good business opportunity.
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