The idea that Americans are at higher risk for heart disease, dementia, and stroke because they are lonely – so lonely, anxious, and depressed – has gained traction in recent years. It has been called an “epidemic” and a “silent catastrophe,” and it particularly affects men, young people, adults, the elderly, and just about everyone. The Surgeon General recently proposed a ‘national strategy to promote social connections’.
Millennials and Gen Z are navigating the dating world in these situations, but they say the overall experience is uninspiring. For example, in a nationally representative Harris poll this year, 30% of Gen Z singles said they would “rather walk on hot coals than go on another online date.” Agreed.
“People come to me and they’re frustrated. They’re tired,” says Michal, a matchmaker and self-proclaimed “super connector” who runs Michal Matches in Philadelphia.・Nysteter said. “The essence of human relationships is not using thumbs.”
That’s where the ancient practice of meeting people in person comes into play. There seems to be a demand for it. Nystetter hosts her own in-person dating event called “Date Him Philly,” where participants bring a guaranteed partner of the opposite sex. Similarly, New York-based We Met in Real Life promises “no swiping, no matching, just dating.”
It is in this spirit that on a recent December night, a group of Philadelphia singles signed up to take part in a highly structured “ongoing experiment” in real life related to dating. Ta. As the name suggests, The Fields aims to quickly build intimacy by utilizing meditation, mindfulness, positive psychology, and non-violent communication. The experience was inspired by energetic facilitator Allie Hoffman, 40, who came up with the idea while navigating her life as a single woman and studying for a master’s degree in psychological psychology at Columbia University. Designed by
“When dating, we can be very in our heads. We can take a very cognitive approach. ‘Where does he live?’ Are you working? how much does he earn? ”Hoffman said. She wanted people to focus on their bodies and their current experiences instead of trying to intellectualize everything. There’s no such thing as an algorithm.
That’s exactly what the young single men gathered there wanted. Some came because they clearly “don’t use apps,” or because they were new to the city, or because they saw an Instagram ad and were curious (maybe the algorithm helped a little). . Scholars point to the decline of “third spaces” (social environments that are neither home nor work) as another barrier to meeting people in nature. Hoffman effectively created it overnight.
Each participant paid $74.50 to participate in a series of increasingly intimate pair interactions. At Hoffman’s direction, they complimented the people they had just met with tight timing in 45-second intervals. They answered pointed questions like, “What have you learned anything about your sexuality in these six months with your girlfriend?” “What did you have to learn from your parents?” They looked silently into the stranger’s eyes for three minutes and 46 seconds as Icelandic instrumental music played in the background.
“It’s just the real thing. It’s really nice that it’s not mediated by some kind of app,” said Chase, 29, who The Inquirer is calling by his first name for privacy reasons.
The final activity of the night was a long, wordless hug with a (recently) stranger. Hoffman said a sister event called “The Kiss” will be held in New York in January and will feature a kiss instead of a hug as the night’s culmination.
Since holding the first Feels in August 2022, Hoffman has helped nearly 1,500 people in Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, DC. She maintains her WhatsApp groups for her past participants in each city, where she regularly posts intimate musings about her own dating life and relationships more broadly. . She has just hired her three new facilitators. (The posted job requirements included “strong magnetism and charisma” and “a willingness to work on one’s own inner work.”) I plan on returning to Delphia.
Despite early emails that there might not be enough male participants, more men than women eventually gathered at the candlelit Mars Building near Northern Liberties. Hoffman said women often buy tickets early but “don’t come in scared at the last minute,” while men wait to buy tickets but become more enthusiastic once they buy. Stated.
“Honestly, I was scared all day. I really didn’t want to come,” said KD, 42, who was identified by the Inquirer by his initials for privacy reasons. She hasn’t used the app in her 10 months, and she’s “trying hard not to use it again.” In the end, she was glad she had the courage to try.
“Everyone here is amazing,” she said.