Last weekend, I met up with an old friend (name and information has been changed). Mary is a social worker, a few years older than me, smart, witty, quiet and kind, with dark hair and deep brown eyes. Like me, she is not getting any younger. We worked together in an inner-city hospital decades ago, but I hadn't seen her in years.
Mary recently split from her husband and hasn't been on a date since. She's a quiet woman, and as she gets older, it's becoming harder to meet people. I asked her, “Why don't you consider a dating app? I've heard there are some for older people.”
Mary quickly pulled out her phone and began signing up for the site. She read out the questions to me: “How would you react if your date asked you to change your behavior?” “What would be your ideal first date?” “Which photo do you find most flattering?” The questions were lengthy, but she completed the application and was accepted.
A few hours later, Mary checked the app. “Seven applications!” She eagerly began scanning the candidates. Photos lined up, one after the other, were of smiling older men.
“no.”
“It's not him.”
“Not at all.” Mary continued scrolling.
I stared at her. “But you haven't read their profiles. You have no idea what they're like.”
“This one looks good,” she pointed to a more handsome face, “and this one looks okay.”
“Mary, they Written“You don't look into whether they are educated or have close family connections like you do.” She didn't seem to hear me.
That night, my friend received multiple replies from interested men, each time looking at their photos to gauge her level of interest.
At the end of the evening, I said again, “Look at what the men write to you. See what they are like. That's much more important.” Mary smiled at me, but didn't seem to hear me.
Finally I sighed and prepared myself to confess my deepest weakness: “Mary, you know my story. I was badly burned as a child, and the scars remain deep to this day.”
She nodded sympathetically, and I continued, “If I were on a dating app, men would swipe past my face. They'd see my scars and keep scrolling. But if they read what I write, they might think I'm educated, ethical, interesting, successful. But you don't see any of that in my photos. You have to read what I write to know I'm an attractive person. Even you would think that, Mary. you I just want to be judged this “Alone?” My fingers drew a square in the air, framing her pretty, wrinkled, no-longer-young face.
Mary looked thoughtful. “No, I don't,” she answered more carefully.
“Yeah, just promise me you'll judge a potential date on more than just a photo.”
***
What does it take to build a good relationship? Can a happy marriage be achieved just because your husband has a pretty face?
Not at all. As a psychologist, I hear many sad stories from clients who feel isolated, uncared for, and betrayed. “We have nothing in common,” they lament. “I think he's lying to me,” they confess. Others recount the hateful words that were hurled at them during arguments.
Guess what never happens? My clients never say, “But he's so handsome, it doesn't matter.” In the long run, your partner's looks become less and less important, and your partner's personality becomes everything. The joy of an attractive face is an asset that is sure to soon diminish: beauty is sure to fade, quickly and irretrievably. Character can grow and blossom.
How important are looks when it comes to dating? How important are they? Attraction is the glue of a relationship, it heats up the air when your loved one walks into the room. Falling in love is like a great drug, it sends our minds over Niagara Falls and keeps us obsessed with the person we love every hour of every day. Attraction is necessary, it's thrilling, it's important.
The thing is, attraction is relative. I've dearly loved men who were tall and skinny, with high cheekbones and blue eyes. But the first man I truly loved had none of those things. He was exactly an inch taller than me; I'm 5'3″. He was a little overweight and had questionable hygiene. There was nothing objectively attractive about this man, yet I adored him. I adored his mindset, his enthusiasm, his playful humor, and the history we shared. I would have done anything for him.
Like most people, I focus on a person's face and appearance the moment we meet. But within a few seconds, I notice their eyes, their smile, their handshake, their energy. Is they kind? Are they funny? Are they smart? Are they sincere? These qualities quickly trump an attractive face. In a matter of minutes, an ugly person can become attractive and a handsome but cruel person can become repulsive.
Imagine what the men on Mary's dating site were writing. Maybe the unkempt-haired man is a retired doctor who volunteers tirelessly with Doctors Without Borders. Maybe he's a Mensa member who enjoys gardening and dog rescue. Maybe he's a Nobel Prize winner and owns four luxury homes. Maybe he's just the man for Mary.
This man with a handsome face is unemployed, recovering from his fourth divorce, estranged from his children, and maybe living in his aging mother's basement.
So why do we swipe left or right as if that was the only variable? I guarantee you that even a simple person can shine like a Greek god when their eyes sparkle with warmth and compassion. Likewise, I guarantee you that you wouldn't care how attractive the man who is gaslighting you is.
As a burn survivor, I spend a lot of time with people who have visible differences. I have friends with burn scars, friends with eye differences, friends with skin problems, etc. Generally speaking, these people are kind-hearted at heart. Most of us who have suffered are sensitive to people's pain and respond cheerfully to adversity. It can be hard to face the world differently, but doing so often gives us strong social skills and a sense of humor. Most of us who have suffered have a kind heart for the misfortunes of others. Emotional depth, sensitivity, courage, sociability, humor — all these qualities make for wonderful companions in life. Often times, those who lack the ease of natural beauty develop much richer qualities, depths and sensitivities that take decades to develop.
Try swiping right.