Imagine you are standing on a busy street corner. You watch as a holy person (priest, pastor, rabbi, monk, whoever you think of). Formally holy) walking toward you from across the street. Also on a street corner is a homeless person lying on the sidewalk, groaning in obvious pain. You saw the priest step over this person and continue down the sidewalk.
Ask yourself. What do I think about this holy man? How do I feel about them? Also, what do you think “causes” this spiritual guide to avoid someone who clearly needs help?
Take a moment and brainstorm as many explanations as possible. What are the possible factors as to why such a person would act in such a seemingly callous manner?
Social psychologists John Darley and Daniel Batson (1973) asked this very question in a classic experimental test of the parable of the Good Samaritan from the Christian Bible. Even seminary students, through carefully designed experimental studies, will step over apparently “suffering” homeless fellows if they are made to believe that they are going to be late for their assigned talk. It has been demonstrated that the possibility is very high. Under pressure, perhaps many of us generally decent people may pass up opportunities to help in a time of need.
Do not kneel with others
The point here is that there may be many reasons beyond our first impressions or assumptions as to why others exhibit “difficult,” erratic, or even in some ways unpleasant behavior. about it. There are causal factors “behind” our personal and professional relationships. “All the eye-rolling, F-bombs, and passive-aggressive behavior. There may be many influences beyond the scope of theory and evaluation that guide my actions as a clinician. Gamma rays make the Hulk It’s like you acted irrationally!”
You (like all of us) see other people doing maladaptive things (or not doing maladaptive things) and make all sorts of judgments and draw conclusions. will be derived and assigned a label.Some of them may certainly be useful, but the problem is that we full Or maybe we are ignoring important elements that really help the communicative moments in our relationships unfold towards connection and positive creation.
Because of our long history as humans, of blame, shame, prejudice, hatred, or simply a reluctance to admit that we were wrong for arguing with a relative or customer, we all remove the lens of our perception and often need to be polished. We need to broaden and deepen our perspective on ourselves, the people we love, and the people we work with.
Get better grades than busy seminarians
momentum science This is the term I use for this kind of situational, overarching causal and situational thinking. Learning to own the moment of communication—to notice our thoughts and feelings without fixating or reacting reflexively—allows us to connect flexibly, tie knots, untie them, and connect flexibly. It is a center for learning and deepening the possibilities that lead to the next moment.
Until you make a concerted and consistent effort to step back and think about all sides of things in the midst of heated moments with people. their Experiences, all the things, people, events, situations, learnings, etc. that drive things forward, you… reactosaurus rexdinosaurs of communication rather than owners of moments that lead to innovation and connection.
As a Reactosaurus, you use millennia-old survival brain circuits to frame others as “difficult” or yourself as “inferior.” Even if it’s just for a moment, you’ll miss out on the chance to reach greater heights. In fact, you’re more likely to avoid potential moments with others who might really need what you can offer, like a “holy one.”
necessities for relationships
How many times have you heard a colleague say (or yourself), “Oh, I can’t work with type X clients”? We work effectively with a wide range of people. How much are you unnecessarily limiting your capabilities?
The beginning of the end of the blame game
In my own clinical work, I have been driven by the following thoughts. patient You must be willing to change. That’s why they came to me, right? To change. “So-and-so needs to take their situation seriously,” I have said to myself more than a sigh of frustration. “They are the ones who refuse help.” Do you see blame or labeling here? Can you feel the distance these statements create? Many times I have been guilty of talking to myself as if I had no responsibility. It’s as if I’m interacting with my patients in a vacuum, delivering therapy to them, like pizza or ordered sesame chicken, for them to simply consume.
There is a deeply flawed and incorrect assumption here that my interventions will be bespoke and consistent. regardless of customer. It can be difficult to remember that your actions and emotions are closely related. interwoven What happens to my patient during treatment? I have to be willing to do things differently, even if it’s difficult and perhaps painful.
The same goes for all relationships, not just those in which you are paid. It is clear that I am willing to influence my patients, but I have to ask myself if I am willing to be influenced by patients, friends, family, and even people asking for change on the street. I have to look back and face my entire experience with them. And I have to own my experience and act on what resonates and what fits. I have to act on my whole, my whole, not just my agenda. weand the moment in front of me.
Assessing the need for momentology “training”
Consider the following questions: Please take a moment to circle each answer.
- For me, it is important to avoid reacting carelessly to others in important personal and professional relationships. Yes, No
- I too have struggled with strong negative feelings about important relationships, myself, or my ability to communicate. Yes, No
- I have reacted with strong negative emotions during important interactions with loved ones, co-workers, and customers, and I believe that my emotions and actions are getting in the way of things. Yes, No
- I want to create a “place” within myself where I can proactively respond when I have trouble communicating. Yes, No
- I want to model good emotions and self-management skills to those I love and work with. Yes, No
- I want to minimize the risk of burnout and self-destruction and other-sabotage in important financial relationships and filial relationships. Yes, No
The more often you answer yes to these questions, the more you are in the process of self-exploration, and the more your emotional contribution to the communication knots tied in your relationships changes in a healthy way. There is likely to be.
Obviously, we want to communicate, connect and have the best positive impact possible, but it’s not easy to recognize that this isn’t always the case. Although it may not feel good to admit your “unhelpful” (or mean) reactions in the past, you should take comfort in knowing the answer. yes These questions are the norm, not the exception. We all struggle with strong emotions on an almost daily basis when it comes to communication in our relationships. We all stumble in managing these experiences. The lack of willingness to address these gaps in managing oneself is the biggest cause for serious concern.
I take action: You intend to improve your ownership skills in the moments of communication, that is, by learning to take ownership of your entire experience and not just parts of it, you will improve your personal and professional Would you admit to someone right now that the above relationship could potentially benefit you greatly? Would you satisfy your ego?