Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit your question here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
Since the pandemic, I have struggled to stay social. I started a book club, a board game group, and a hiking club. I am the one who coordinates and plans the event, but all the participants just turn into a mom group. If you’ve just gone through all the difficulties of hosting because everyone’s obsessed with teething strategies or trying to stop someone’s unexpected toddler guest from eating the pieces on the board, you’ll have no choice but to book. It’s very frustrating that they don’t even discuss it. I like children. I work with them every day. That’s why I’m so anxious to actually engage with adult companions. I raise this issue only to be ignored or ignored. Eventually, the group dies because no one wants to take over. This is a small town and we’re at a weird age where most of my co-workers are either having kids soon or are getting into the bar scene. It is mortifying. I even tried to join a church, even though I’m not religious at all. Is there any hope? What should I do?
—Attempt in Texas
Dear Mr. Trying
Never assume that people your age in your church community value family less than people in your book club. So let’s cross that idea off the list. Instead, look for local groups aimed at adults without children. If you can’t find it, start it. You are sociable, proactive, and seem open to any activity. That is wonderful. All you need is a group of people that you can be sure won’t bore you to death. Talking about toilet training. Problem solved.
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Dear Prudence,
Three years ago, I did something that my wife considered potentially unforgivable. I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t an affair (physical or emotional), it wasn’t illegal or violent, and it had nothing to do with finances. But it had a lasting impact on our lives, my wife was deeply hurt, and a bomb exploded in our marriage. Since then, I have sincerely apologized in every way imaginable. I volunteered to go to couples counseling (she’s not interested). I try every day to show her that I love her and want to repair our relationship. I asked her if she had any specific ways of making amends, and if she had a barometer for how she would tell me that I was apologizing enough. I did. She told me that the only way it could be repaired was to take more time. I would like to wait, but then again, she has already been there for 3 years. I’m starting to wonder when it’s going to punish us both for me to hold out hope that things can be worked out. But the thought of getting divorced (we have two children and have been together for half of our lives since college) seems unbearable. Do you have any advice?
–When will it be allowed?
Dear Forgiven One
The problem with time is that not all wounds heal over time. Not at all. In fact, by the time your wife forgives you, you may become resentful and the two of you may become estranged. And by the time her wife gets over it, the relationship that once existed may not even exist.
Ask her again if she would like to attend couples therapy with you. She knows she turned him down once before, but this could speed things up significantly. And if you take the initiative, you can let her know that you care about her and really want things to get back on track, and maybe even soften her attitude a little bit. Or so I think. If you go and learn that what you did was really something she couldn’t recover from, that would also be good information.
If your wife won’t talk to someone, you should ask her specifically what “a lot of time” looks like in months or years. Then compare that to how much time you think you can endure there. If there are disagreements, you may have to make choices that seem unbearable at the moment. Because I know I’ll be able to endure it in the end, rather than sitting in limbo and paying the price for what I’ve done for the rest of my life.
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Dear Prudence,
My partner and I were together for a few years, but we broke up somewhat amicably a few months ago. When I moved we agreed to share custody of the dog. We live far apart, so half the year is at his place and half the year at my place. The day he was scheduled to bring me the dog, he texted me saying he had changed his mind. He said moving twice a year was too stressful for the dog and he would have a better life with land (I also have a garden, albeit small). To be honest, my immediate reaction was anger and I called him selfish and threatened legal action. After I calmed down, I sent a more reasonable message explaining why I disagreed with his argument. he ignored me He sent more emails saying he wanted to talk. He ignored all three. I waited for him for a month, then emailed him another thoughtful apology for my initial outburst and implored him to negotiate a deal that worked for both of us. He replied that he would agree to a trial period, but when I asked for details he stopped responding again. I called him several times and he hung up.
I’m tired of reaching out and being ignored. My last resort is legal. My lawyer says I have a good case – microchip, payments, vet is in my name and I’ve taken on most of the responsibilities like training and grooming – but the warranty is there is no. I’ve been much happier since the breakup and started dating and moving on, but this is a burden on me. I sometimes cry when I look at pictures of dogs. I really miss my puppy. I also think that because it is unresolved, it often comes to mind. Maybe if I give up and let it go, it will heal someday. On the other hand, I want a dog! And it feels wrong to just allow my ex to subjugate me. My friends feel bad about this and how he behaved when we broke up, and are calling on me to fight. But I’m starting to wonder if this is healthy, wise, or if I’m just prolonging the pain of the breakup. I’m too upset to make a decision. Should I go to court and fight for my dog, or should I accept the loss and move on?
—accept or change
Dear Change
Fight for the dog. My guess is that it won’t actually go to trial. If your ex receives a letter from his lawyer, he will be more proactive. Negotiate.
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