Dominate the conversation. Show no interest in others.tell unpleasant joke. Struggles in unstructured social situations. Children and teens with ADHD are no strangers to these social conflicts and misconceptions. For many children, these friendship weaknesses become a source of shame over time. They may wonder why they can’t understand what their co-workers intuitively understand, and socially, they often retreat into a world of “virtual friendships.”
Why do children with ADHD struggle with peer relationships? Navigating social interactions requires different mental processes, or executive function skills.These skill deficiencies and lags – this is what I call them. social executive function skills – This is common in ADHD and explains many of children’s problems in the social domain.
Delays in social executive function skills represent a learning challenge. They prevent children from intuitively recognizing social information to the same extent as their peers from an early age. This should not be confused with struggles stemming from social anxiety or other symptoms.
Better social skills explore the fundamental skills that cause the most problems, from inner dialogue and cognitive flexibility to perspective-taking and situational understanding, and how to effectively build and support these skills in the ADHD brain. It starts to take root when you understand the strategy.
Social skills for children: understanding the underlying deficiencies
Even if children and teens with ADHD are socially motivated, they tend to struggle with the following skills that are fundamental to social interaction:
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- Take perspective: Understand the thoughts and feelings of others and how you come across in social settings
- situational awareness; Read the room and understand what to do based on context
- respond appropriately to the emotions of others; after someone shares their feelings and emotions, if they don’t react the way you expect them to, they can come across as rude or indifferent
- initiation; Difficulty starting conversations, asking for help, and assertiveness skills
- cognitive flexibility To be part of a peer group, be open to other people’s ideas, and be able to take direction from others
- use humor appropriately
Many children with ADHD have problems with the above skills because they have a hard time “listening” to their own inner dialogue (to help children understand this skill, I call this the “Brain Coach”).
Of course, ADHD symptoms such as impulsivity and inattention can also affect social interactions. Impulsivity can cause you to interrupt people or say inappropriate things, while inattention can cause you to appear absent-minded or uninterested during a conversation.
What kind of problems do children have with social skills?
Delays in social executive function skills become noticeable in children’s peers starting around age 7, much earlier than parents begin to notice them. Early signs often include:
[Read: It’s Not About Social Cues. It’s About Social Learning.]
- act bossy Control with your companions especially while playing
- one sided conversation
- difficulties in unstructured social situations; like vacation time
- difficult to keep friends (But you can make friends)
- “suffocate” a new friend
- Difficulty connecting with friends of the same generation But it’s fine for younger children and adults
- I don’t understand how they come across To others (poor perspective-taking skills)
What are the social skills struggles of teenagers and teenagers?
As social expectations increase over time, new difficulties may emerge, also due to weak social executive function skills. Signs that your tween or teenager is having social difficulties include:
- Retreating to the video game/social media/online realm To escape the uncertainty and unpredictability of social interactions
- inflexibility; Unable to respond to different viewpoints and activities.
- Criticize your peers. May call others “weird” or “annoying”
- I just want to be friends with “popular” people who don’t accept me; may overlook peers with lower social status
- I have very little interaction with my peers outside of school. Some people say, “I have friends at school, but no friends outside of school.” This means they don’t understand the effort it takes to create and maintain friendships and their role in those interactions.
Social skills for children: Strategies and guidelines for parents
Parents play the most important role in helping children develop social executive function skills. Here’s how to get started:
1. Share internal dialogue to model perspective taking. This will help your child understand what it’s like to think about others, which in turn will help them develop their own self-talk. Voicing their inner dialogue helps your child learn to stop and consider how they (and others) come across in social situations. Share thoughts such as:
- “I’m glad he picked up the woman’s umbrella. She probably appreciates his attitude, too.”
- “I’m feeling a little bored right now with all your unsolicited conversations about Minecraft with me. I wish we could talk about something we’re both into.”
- i have unpleasant I’m thinking about it now because that person is talking loudly on the phone in a restaurant. ”
2. Teach your child the importance of “fake outs.” Fake-out (the term I use with the children I support) is when someone shows interest in what someone else is saying, when in fact they are not. We are all engaged in this kind of reciprocity. However, children with ADHD realize that “tolerating” the interests of others, especially when that person is new to them, is an implicit part of social interactions and is important for forming and maintaining friendships. We often don’t understand certain things.
3. Praise your child’s efforts. Recognize when your child shows resilience, flexibility, grit, and a willingness to try something new with others.use Purposeful recognition and praise Help your child understand the social behaviors that make them feel comfortable around their friends. example:
- Be aware whenever your child shows interest in others, especially when they try to step out of their comfort zone. Say something like, “I know you don’t really like the sport, but it’s great that you agreed to play basketball with your classmates.” It showed them that you like spending time with them. ”
- Does your child have responsibilities at home? Housework is a great way to teach reciprocity because it teaches children to think about the needs of others.
4. Help your child understand the situation. The cause and effect of our words and actions, and how we react to what’s happening around us, fluctuate based on our settings. For example, a child may feel more comfortable sharing jokes with a classmate than with the school principal.
To show that people have different thoughts depending on the situation, I use what I call “Cringe to Clutch o’Meter.” This is a visual tool that helps children improve their perspective taking. At one end, I am sick of (thoughts and feelings of discomfort or embarrassment) and on the other hand clutch (positive thoughts and feelings). To use this tool, first have your child write down the context of the situation. Then ask for their perspective. Based on their words and actions, what reaction do you think they elicited from others? Where does that fit on the scale?
5. Practice “reading the field” together. Situational awareness requires putting information together to understand what’s happening, whether you’re indoors or outdoors. (This is why I use “read the scene” instead of “read the room.”) Situational awareness is as much about what to do at a birthday party as safety awareness when walking through a crowded parking lot. It is also about knowing. Everyday life provides many opportunities to work on these skills in a variety of situations.
Next time you’re in a shopping center parking lot with your kids, help them “read the field.” It might sound like this:
- It’s Saturday morning. At this time of year, many people go shopping, so the parking lot gets crowded with cars coming in and going out. To read the field, you need to look at the car to see if the white light is on, meaning if it is backing out. We also don’t want to be near cars. You also need to read the field conditions so you don’t get in the way of drivers looking for space. I don’t look at my phone when I’m in the parking lot. Because if you’re looking at your phone, you’re not reading the situation. Learn more about reading fields here.
6. Extracurricular activities are essential. Whether it’s sports, music, dance, or other interests, extracurricular activities give your child the opportunity to spend time with peers their age. Require participation in after-school activities. They probably won’t jump on it themselves.
7. Remind your child of past social successes. The ADHD mind grapples with issues such as: episodic memory, or remembering emotions related to past experiences. That is, children may have a hard time remembering social experiences that they found enjoyable. (So your child may remember last year’s summer camp as “boring,” even though it was exciting at the time.) Without memory aid, your child may not be able to do the same social They may be reluctant to take part in opportunities when they arise. Tap into your child’s episodic memory by asking questions about past social experiences, scrolling through photos, and reminding them of all the fun and good things they did.
8. Don’t measure your child’s social skills by how they interact with family members. Children often behave differently than they do at school or with friends. Many children often do not feel the need to display “good social skills” with their immediate family. They feel safest with their families and know that their poor social skills will not cause negative social consequences for their mothers, fathers, and siblings.
Here are some important things to keep in mind when helping your child build social skills.
- I look forward to its defense and resistance. Teens may not be keen on self-reflection or listening to their parents. Because social difficulties are a source of shame (for everyone). You may be worried that bringing up the topic will hurt your child’s feelings. But remember: Your child’s friends may not be as interested in protecting their feelings. It’s better for your child to hear that from someone who loves them unconditionally, even at the cost of temporary discomfort. Avoid getting into arguments or trying to argue with your child about how he or she makes other people feel. (Keep in mind that they have a hard time taking perspective, so they can’t understand how others perceive them.)
- Discrepancies are expected. ADHD is a condition of inconsistent performance. Your child may make great social strides one day and then seem to take a few steps back the next, which is completely normal. be patient. Results don’t come overnight, they come slowly over time.
Social skills for children with ADHD: next steps
Some of the content in this article was derived from an ADDitude ADHD expert webinar titled “Raising Socially Smart Tweens and Teens.” [Video Replay and Podcast #390] A conversation with Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP, broadcast live on March 2, 2022.
Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP is the founder and director of ADHD Dude. ADHD Dude creates videos for parents and kids on his YouTube channel and offers parent training and social programs for boys.
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